What Kind of Mom Are You? (And Why That Changes Over Time)
The other day, my son mentioned that his girlfriend’s mom was a “proper mother.” I knew exactly what he meant—the kind of mom who seems to have it all together: the cookie-baking, always-nurturing, big-bosomed Earth Mom who has raised her own kids, fostered others, and blended families with effortless grace. In years past, hearing that might have sent me spiraling into self-doubt. But now, as I reflect on my journey through motherhood—with adult children, foster children, and stepchildren—I see that being a mom is a constantly evolving role. One wise friend once told me that to be a truly good mom, you have to be at least five different people over the years. The truth is, the kind of mom your children need changes with each stage of their lives. When I was studying Chinese medicine, the Five element theory helped me understand more deeply exactly what those characteristics were and how it related to Motherhood.
The Earth Mom: The Nurturer
In the early years, the Earth Mom is all about warmth, stability, and nurturing. She loves babies, cuddles, breastfeeding, and creating a cozy, homey environment—a sanctuary where her little ones feel safe and loved. I wasn’t naturally that mother. I was lucky to have a wonderful live-in housekeeper and nanny who embodied the Earth Mom’s energy, caring for my kids when I was exhausted from long days at the clinic. Back then, I often felt like I wasn’t enough, comparing and despairing – but I’ve since learned that the early years are incredibly demanding for any mom. It’s not a failure; it’s simply the reality of those chaotic, all-consuming days. If you struggled during this time—feeling exhausted, touched out, or disconnected—you’re not alone. Many mothers battle postnatal depletion, lack of support, or even birth trauma that makes bonding difficult.
The Fire Mom: The Fun One
Then comes the stage when play becomes paramount—the toddler and preschool years. Having just about survived the restrictive baby years – she is most likely to struggle with some forms of PND as she needs to move, get out, have fun, laugh, socialise and the first 3 months to a year can put a real dampener on that for her – but the Fire Mom is in her element here: lively, spontaneous, and bursting with energy. She’s the one in the ball pit, throwing themed parties and turning everyday moments into adventures – fort-building and animated story telling being more important than a strict bedtime routine. I’ve never been that naturally playful type. I often felt that engaging in endless play was a waste of valuable time. Fortunately, my ex-husband, who is the father of my own kids, had strong Fire energy, and my current husband, with his own playful nature, had play covered in the early parenting years with my stepkids. I learned that it’s perfectly fine if you’re not the one sparking the fun—sometimes, your strength lies elsewhere, like actually getting dinner done!
The Wood Mom: The Doer
As our children enter the school years, the Wood Mom takes charge. She is the organized, efficient powerhouse who manages school schedules, PTA meetings, and extracurricular activities – seemingly indefatigable . This is the mom who seems to have a routine for everything, but may not be the most flexible of people. I found that I possessed some of that Wood energy, yet even so, maintaining order in a world full of surprises can be overwhelming. When things go off-plan—and they inevitably do—it can feel like the entire system collapses. It taught me the importance of delegation and accepting that sometimes, things will be “good enough”. Burnout is a real risk when you’re trying to do it all well, all the time without asking for help. If you’re not a Wood Mother, this stage can feel like an exhausting battle to keep up.
The Water Mom: The Wise Guide
The Water Mom emerges during the teenage years, a time when independence and resilience become key. This mom is calm, strong-willed yet flexible, and knows just when to let go. She strikes a delicate balance between setting firm boundaries and allowing her teens the space to grow. I found this phase to be transformative. Suddenly, I could converse with my teenagers without judgment, and I learned to pick my battles—giving them choices in trivial matters so that when I needed to set limits, they were more willing to listen. The earlier years can be challenging as we tend to be overprotective and fearful when our kids are younger. The endless busy-ness is also hard as Water mom needs time to just be. Earth mom may struggle in the teen years as her babies grow up and change, and Wood mom might have some mighty power struggles on her hands as the teens need to rebel and challenge her need for having things done her way. It’s a phase of learning and growth, for both kids and mom.
The Metal Mom: The Letting-Go Expert
Finally, there is the Metal Mom—the one who thrives in the empty nest years. Metal Moms love order, structure, and calm. They find comfort in a tidy, predictable environment and draw strength from clear boundaries. However, this need for order makes the early years particularly challenging. Imagine a mom who cherishes quiet moments and meticulously arranged spaces suddenly having to navigate the chaotic, unpredictable world of young children. The endless mess, the constant noise, the disrupted routines—all of these can feel like a personal failure. Every day in the early years might have felt like an assault on the calm and order a Metal Mom so deeply values.
For a Metal Mom, the early phase is a struggle against chaos. The sensory overload of crying, clutter, and unpredictability can leave you feeling overwhelmed and depleted, as if your natural strengths are completely undermined. Yet, with time, as your children grow and routines settle, you begin to reclaim your space. The empty nest becomes a time of renewal—where you can finally enjoy the quiet, order, and independence you so longed for. It’s a stage where you learn that letting go doesn’t mean you love your children any less; it means you’re ready to enjoy life on your own terms and support your children as independent adults. Earth mom might find this a time of deep grief, struggling to let go, but she will come into her own again when the grandchildren start arriving!
It Takes a Village (And That’s Okay!)
The beauty of motherhood is that no one mom is all of these things at once. If you struggle in one phase, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom—it just means your time to shine may be in a different stage. Building a supportive network—whether it’s family, friends, or professionals—can help fill in those gaps. Sometimes, if you aren’t the nurturing Earth Mom, perhaps a grandparent or a close friend can provide that steady, comforting presence. If you’re not the playful Fire Mom, someone else in your life might bring that fun and spontaneity.
Motherhood Is a Journey, Not a Test
Wherever you are in your motherhood journey—whether you’re drowning in sleepless nights, juggling a chaotic schedule, or navigating the tumultuous teen years—know that you are exactly the mom your children need. You don’t have to be perfect; you just have to be present. Embrace your evolution, ask for help when you need it, and remember that every phase brings its own beauty. Your time will come, and in each stage, you will shine in a way that is uniquely yours.
